>Imagine a cinematic depiction of the most nightmarishly chaotic child’s birthday party.
Now imagine that the scene lasts twice as long as necessary in this hypothetical movie: the audience has understood the point; it’s time to move on.
Nothing could be that bad, right? But, for the sake of expanding one’s knowledge — or just to experience some party-crashing fun — extend the scene into complete steadycam coverage of the 90-minute party. Except, here is the catch: while it may be theatre, it isn’t film and there are no funny outtakes.
That is the how I spent my evening.
Kindergartners running rampant in the house. Toddling babies moving too quickly for their grandmas to catch them in a non-infant proof house with steps leading into every room. Food choices consisting of cold, greasy pizza and chocolate-dipped fruit arranged like flowers on plastic GIJoe spears stuck into a Sponge-Bob bucket. Drink: no sugar (good), no caffeine (bad), and wine in a jug so large, so Brobdingnagian, that it makes the extra-super, super-sized Tub-O-Coke at the QuikMart look like an palate-cleansing aperitif.
Orchestrate the scene to a soundtrack of a performance by STOMP! with harmony provided by a lively Labrador, located in the laundry, with a wood door as a washboard accompaniment, capable of performing simultaneously in two distinct voices: a high-octave yelp and a window-rattling, basso profundo woof.
And, to think that the sugar wasn’t even introduced until the last half hour, served suitably, if not predictably, atop store-bought chocolate cake.
As we left the party, I turned to my recently injured son, hobbling out to the car without crutches, and asked: Got Vicodin?
For more party snarking, surf over to Cake Wrecks and laugh while you rubber-neck at some other party disasters.